Me and Richard, we have been together for three years now. I love that man! He is truly wonderful, but somehow I managed to start focusing on the negatives along the way. It started with me just trying to help him with some bad habits, but then I turned into a maniac babysitter. Do this, do that, why are you not doing this now. I am quite positive and easy going, but I definitely fell into some negative and controlling habits myself.
Then about five weeks ago he went away for a month. Suddenly I had all this extra time on my hands because I was not dealing with someone else. Wow, man. I got like everything done. Everything on my list was done. 3 weeks straight. R was joking that him not being with me has a great impact. And he was right. So when he came back I really had my ahhhaa moment. Right, it is all that checking and analyzing I do. That is a lot of energy going to waste. It really is pointless and makes me feel weak and out of control. God damn, I have already so much on my hands. Why am I trying to be responsible for a grown man.
So I stopped.
It has been five days now and I am in schedule with everything I have been wanting to do this week. Obviously sometimes it is a little hard. Yesterday, he came to bed really late and I had to really control myself. I was really scared. Feeling that you want to control someone else comes from being scared.
Then I was in bed, scared. But I did not go to check time, or ask him nicely to join me. I was in bed with my feelings and tried to sort them out. When he did come to bed and wanted to kiss me, I did moved away from him. I was just scared and pissed, but then I relaxed and fell to sleep.
Our relationship during those days has been much better and ligther. There is so much room for love now. When I feel like I want to have him do something differently, then I say to myself. Let him be, trust him. Cherish him.
I also just really want him to enjoy home and relax here. I want him to love this place.. This is something I can control. I can make this place warm, clean and welcoming for him. I can back off and let him relax.
I yearn to love him, desire him, trust him and opportunity for that is right here, if I give room for it.
